"Get Your Shit Together, Carol!!!"

Quite possibly my favorite line from "Bridesmaids". Why? Because I frequently hear Kristin Wiig's voice barking it at me in my head whenever my life gets a little too complicated or overwhelming, when I've been avoiding or ignoring various life-duties, or when my to-do list barfs all over me... which actually happens pretty frequently. I've been hovering in one of those moods for the last week or so, where I'm very aware of all the specific things that should be done to unclutter and uncomplicate my life. Now it's just a matter of getting my dick up to actually DO the damn stuff! (ps- I swear and say things like "dick up", "balls" and even the occasional "cock-wallet", so if that's not your thing, Martha Stewart has an excellent website and maybe you should go check her out instead. However, if you're cool with it, I can guarantee I can do anything Ms. Martha does WHILE saying humorously inappropriate things at the same time... which in my opinion is about as good as it gets).

Okay, so back to getting my shit together-- I've decided to put on my productivity pants this week and see just how many of those pesky life-items I can cross of my list! Apart from the usual laundry and everyday domestic activities, I have some other goals that I'd like to tackle: making a valance for my bathroom, hanging the large frames that have been sitting in the corner of my bedroom for the last 2 months, cleaning out my car (which has become the dumping ground for such items as a bag of crusty Gothic metal candlesticks, 1000 Dunkin Donuts receipts, half-empty water bottles of every brand, empty fiestaware boxes from Christmases long ago, cookbooks I've stolen from my mom's kitchen, and a large tulle tutu... etf?), finishing my DIY entertainment center, and organizing my walk-in-closet because I'm afraid my kitten will crawl inside and I'll never be able to find her amongst the scarves, shoes, bags, and other style-debris that have exploded all over that hellish 3'x5' armory of fashion.

I have convinced myself that completing these tasks will immediately cause some kind of shining, brilliant portal to open and I'll emerge into a gloriously bright and perfect world where everything is sunny and easy and calm and perfect and Ewan MacGregor will be there singing to me as he grins brilliantly like a lovable idiot, and there will be cartoon bluebirds and majestic centaur people (like in Fantasia) and they will have trays of cream puffs, and chubby cherub babies with rosy shining asses will fly above me and shower me with flower petals and I shall promenade forward through my life, basking in this new found perfectness... all because I finally got my shit together and cleaned out my car. 

So watch out Ewan and naked flying babies... I'm comin' for you!