I've been feeling like a busted can of biscuits lately and that feeling slapped me in the face last night during rehearsal for
Steel Magnolias. Our costumer came to rehearsal with stacks of things for each of us to try on- my stack was entirely pink, of course. I took my pile to the lobby bathroom (no, I am not one of those actresses who just whips off their clothes and walks around freely in their underwear in front of everyone) and grabbed the only pair of pants in the bunch.... which were a size 16. Instantly, my heart dropped out of my butt and I thought to myself "Do I
really look like I should wear a size 16?". I put them on and was a bit relieved to find that they were a little too baggy to be a passable fit, but still... my heart was on the floor of that dirty little theatre bathroom. I grabbed a shirt from the stack- a pink polo shirt... in a size XL. Really? Is this how people see me? Is this how they quite literally size me up? I walked out of my makeshift dressing room feeling completely frumpy and defeated- not at all the confident stylish young woman I have been cast to portray. And not at all the confident stylish young woman I used to be...
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| This was me in May 2009, at around 138lbs |
Four years ago, I was fit-- I could run 5 miles in one stretch pretty easily (and did- around 4 times a week), I lifted free weights twice a week, and though I wasn't totally toned, I was quite lean. Though other areas of my life were a bit of a mess during that time, I had somehow managed to incorporate fitness into my regular routine and within 4 months of starting, I looked pretty awesome. And that made me feel pretty awesome! My life changed drastically right around when this photo was taken and slowly I lost the time and motivation to keep up with it.
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| Me, last November, at my 10-year reunion |
Now, four years later, I'm the heaviest I've ever been- nearly 170 pounds for anyone who's keeping track. I have a year-long gym membership, which I've used many many times this Spring, but I still seem to hover between 163-168. I see all of these amazing before and after photos of my friends posted on Facebook and they are completely amazing-- I am incredibly impressed and envious of their successful transformations, but I am struggling to find the time and energy to make fitness and diet my major priority right now. Certainly there should be no excuses, for the friends I mentioned all have busy lives as well, but I'm finding that working a full day at a stressful and sedentary job (which is currently at its most stressful as I plan the biggest Geva fundraiser of the year AND transition into my new position), keeping up with an apartment overrun by three cats, rehearsing a show, teaching private lessons and planning a very imminent wedding has depleted me of any and all energy at the end of the day. Any slice of time I have for myself is usually spent resting on the couch with Jeff or sleeping so I don't run myself completely into the ground. As much as I try to laugh-off or joke about my body, the whole thing makes me feel incredibly sad and hopeless. I feel ten-thousand miles away from being that person I used to be. After the costume debacle last night, I had a terrible dream where I just stood in the center of a circle and anonymous voices all around me chanted "you look like shit" at me, over and over and over again until I finally woke up. It was horrible.
So, because of this realization, I am giving myself a fatty intervention.
I have made the decision that, after Steel Magnolias, I am taking a break from performing so I can focus on my health and my badly bruised body image. I am committing to replacing rehearsal time with activity time-- either in the gym or out in nature. I am committing to ditching soda. I am committing to investing my time and attention into working on those things about my appearance that I've completely lost pride in (which isn't limited to my weight-- last month, someone told me that my hair, which used to inspire envy, looked like seaweed). I am tired of not feeling great about myself. I'm tired of putting what little energy I have into finding ways to hide myself (since when have I been one to hide??). I am terrified that I will get my wedding photos back and I'll be too distracted and ashamed of my doughy arms and trunk-like torso to be able to display them with pride. I know I've said it in previous posts, but seriously guys- this shit ends NOW. I need to find myself again under all this extra physical and mental weight- it's unbearably oppressive and it's taken its toll on my body and my sense of self-worth. So with all that in mind, I officially announce that my next performance will be the role of "Mary" in the one-woman show
Fatty Intervention: The Quest to be a Healthy Bitch!, which will run indefinitely.
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ReplyDeleteMary, First off, you are a great person, and people love you no matter what. That being said, you just took the first step. That's a hard thing to do.
ReplyDeleteMy advice, don't wait until after the show, because putting things off delays feeling better. Start small, like a few stretches in the morning, or a walk during lunch. Even if it's for 5 minutes. Start now, and say, "Screw this, I need 5 minutes for me!" We all have that much time to spare. When the show is over, and you take much needed time for yourself, then you will have a jump start. Do this.
I completely understand how you feel, Mare. I hit my "bottom" trying on clothes too (not costumes but in a store) and its an awful feeling -- but can be incredibly liberating and empowering when you finally say enough is enough. I think it's great that you are making your health a priority so you can get back your confidence -- and I know what a huge difference it makes in terms of performing. I saw Katelyn Machnica's amazing new bod and am thinking of trying out her program, but if you ever want to try Weight watchers, I'm your gal pal! You are a beautiful, vibrant woman and you're gonna get your groove back! Ugh and your hair is still beautiful, don't listen to that noise (you know I love her but she has said things to me that have upset me as well -- as well as making me try on size 14 pants AFTER I lost 20 pounds!). A lot of times, you do have to hit this bottom point where you have an epiphany about something like this (and sometimes it's hard to find the motivation before you hit that point). But you are an awesome, headstrong girl and I have no doubt that you will be able to make the changes you want. It can be really hard to do that when you get into a healthy, loving relationship too (Steven and I both gained a lot of weight during the first year we dated, because we were actually HAPPY), but now you can get back to loving every aspect of yourself! I'm still not exactly where I want to be, because I hit a plateau and lost some motivation, but this encourages me to amp up my health and fitness, too.
ReplyDeletexox Sammi
www.thesoubrettebrunette.blogspot.com
PS: I agree with the above comment. If you have your motivation and your reality check now, don't put it off!
Oh totally-- I'm starting today! The soda is GONE. Starting today, I'm committing to being more mindful about what I put into my mouth (and how much of it I put in there) and about doing a little more (take the damn stairs, Mary). I'm not waiting for the show to be over before I do those things. I just need to wait for the show to at least OPEN before I will be able to devote a solid chunk of time at the gym-- my only chunk of free time that's over 2 hours long in the next week and half is this Sunday morning... before a 9 hour rehearsal! So while I'm starting today by actually putting brain cells on smart choices, I literally won't be able to hit the gym like I want to until this show opens on May 17th. After that, I intend to replace those 3-hour nightly rehearsals with at least 1 hour of serious exercise + 1 hour of doing something awesome for myself (like planting flowers, working on a DIY project, exploring a park or trail, doing my nails, applying a deep conditioning treatment to my seaweed hair, etc).
ReplyDeletethat person obviously doesn't know that seaweed is part of a long kelp family tradition of winning under water flora beauty pageants!! that being said, Mary Tiballi is sassy brassy and beautiful and I love her as much as the flow of hundreds of fountains... she will rise again in confidence like a Phoenix from the ashes wearing cherries jubilee and people will always say they saw the memory of her rollerblading the streets in a towel and superman under-roo's...a fitting tribute for someone so amazing!! :-)
ReplyDelete