Currently This Week

Reading my Facebook newsfeed. My sister gave me a book when I was at her house last weekend and I'm just waiting for a free afternoon to sit outside in the sunshine and dive in.

Writing blog posts. I'm trying to be better about posting more regularly, folks, I swear. Look at me-- 2 days in a row!

Eating lots of sandwiches. They are easy and inexpensive. And we had a lot of boxed lunches leftover from a luncheon the other day, so my life is turkey and ham sandwiches right now.

Listening to the sound of air-conditioning and clickety-clackety computer keys at work... because our IT guy TOOK AWAY MY PANDORA-LISTENING ABILITIES! That's right- streaming music on our computers is now forbidden, which totally bums me out because that is how I WORK, MAN. Now I find myself feeling very distracted and scatterbrained while I sit here working at my desk- now I hear everything that anyone in our hallways says (and there are some interesting things said), I get distracted by the sound of my own loud and fast typing, and I find my mind wandering more. I need my Thomas Newman station baaaaack! And I've already tried streaming Pandora on my iPhone with not so great results. Blerg.

Thinking about scheduling a massage for this Saturday after my morning lessons. I've got a nice little window of time from 11am-6pm and could definitely use 60 minutes of zone-out time!

Wishing I had more time to invest in myself right now.

Hoping that the Etsy seller we bought Jeff's wedding ring from will be able to make it and ship it to us in time for the wedding. Apparently she's on vacation till June 3rd and it takes 4-5 weeks for her to make/ship products... which puts us just a couple of days before the wedding. Here's hoping she can rush the order for us so we get it in time!

Wearing a pair of stinky, worn-out silver ballet flats that are definitely on their very last leg.

Loving our new sheets and pillows. Jeff and I went out and purchased a set of sheets off of our registry (we cracked... our old sheets had holes in them and I couldn't take it anymore) and fluffy new pillows and THEY ARE AMAZING. I've always felt that you should really treat yo'self when it comes to your bed-- you spend 1/3 of your life in bed and getting good sleep is EXTREMELY important to the quality of your life during your waking hours, so it's worth it to invest in your bedding. And let me tell you-- our recent purchases are making a big difference in how hard I've been konking out each night. I love it I love it I love it. Bed is my happy place.

Feeling excited for our wedding. Only 38 days from today! We made some leaps in the last week by purchasing our wedding rings, sending in contracts and payments for the florist and the ice cream truck people (oh, the glorious ice cream truck, I cannot wait for thee!), purchasing the rest of my attire/accessories, following-up with guests for RSVPs (due this Saturday), and reaching out to the caterer to finalize details. Now we can move onto the next chunk of tasks to be conquered! 38 days is going to zoom by- I feel like just yesterday I was excitedly preaching "Only 70 days"!

Things I am looking forward to...

Things I am looking forward to doing this summer once I get my life back next week...


Our new cute porch.

• Sitting in the sunshine.
• Sitting on our cute new front porch.
• Sitting.
• Putting our new Expedit bookcase from Ikea together and sorting all of Jeff's records into it (thus getting rid of the 4 plastic milk crates full of records that currently line the perimeter of our dining room).
• Spring cleaning and getting our house super organized.
• Cooking REAL food! Like chicken! And actual things! For dinners and such!
• Reading books. Thick ones. With paper.
• Going on summer adventures with Jeffrey to places like the zoo, parks, the beach, etc.
• Finally hanging the shelves in the living room and accessorizing them accordingly.
• Planting flowers and playing in the dirt.
• Hitting the drive-in.
• Having the time to finish wedding plans without having to cram tasks into a 45-minute window in between work, rehearsals, lessons, and performances.
• Hopefully going camping for the first time in years.
• Actually seeing shows... as an audience member.
• Going on our honeymoon and having 5 days to do whatever we feel like doing in a totally new place. This will be our first real vacation together!
• Baking. I have so many things I want to bake but I just haven't had the time!
• Getting my ass back to the gym (which I will have to do because of the aforementioned baked goods).

Fatty Intervention

I've been feeling like a busted can of biscuits lately and that feeling slapped me in the face last night during rehearsal for Steel Magnolias. Our costumer came to rehearsal with stacks of things for each of us to try on- my stack was entirely pink, of course. I took my pile to the lobby bathroom (no, I am not one of those actresses who just whips off their clothes and walks around freely in their underwear in front of everyone) and grabbed the only pair of pants in the bunch.... which were a size 16. Instantly, my heart dropped out of my butt and I thought to myself "Do I really look like I should wear a size 16?". I put them on and was a bit relieved to find that they were a little too baggy to be a passable fit, but still... my heart was on the floor of that dirty little theatre bathroom. I grabbed a shirt from the stack- a pink polo shirt... in a size XL. Really? Is this how people see me? Is this how they quite literally size me up? I walked out of my makeshift dressing room feeling completely frumpy and defeated- not at all the confident stylish young woman I have been cast to portray. And not at all the confident stylish young woman I used to be...

This was me in May 2009, at around 138lbs

Four years ago, I was fit-- I could run 5 miles in one stretch pretty easily (and did- around 4 times a week), I lifted free weights twice a week, and though I wasn't totally toned, I was quite lean. Though other areas of my life were a bit of a mess during that time, I had somehow managed to incorporate fitness into my regular routine and within 4 months of starting, I looked pretty awesome. And that made me feel pretty awesome! My life changed drastically right around when this photo was taken and slowly I lost the time and motivation to keep up with it.


Me, last November, at my 10-year reunion

Now, four years later, I'm the heaviest I've ever been- nearly 170 pounds for anyone who's keeping track. I have a year-long gym membership, which I've used many many times this Spring, but I still seem to hover between 163-168. I see all of these amazing before and after photos of my friends posted on Facebook and they are completely amazing-- I am incredibly impressed and envious of their successful transformations, but I am struggling to find the time and energy to make fitness and diet my major priority right now. Certainly there should be no excuses, for the friends I mentioned all have busy lives as well, but I'm finding that working a full day at a stressful and sedentary job (which is currently at its most stressful as I plan the biggest Geva fundraiser of the year AND transition into my new position), keeping up with an apartment overrun by three cats, rehearsing a show, teaching private lessons and planning a very imminent wedding has depleted me of any and all energy at the end of the day. Any slice of time I have for myself is usually spent resting on the couch with Jeff or sleeping so I don't run myself completely into the ground. As much as I try to laugh-off or joke about my body, the whole thing makes me feel incredibly sad and hopeless. I feel ten-thousand miles away from being that person I used to be. After the costume debacle last night, I had a terrible dream where I just stood in the center of a circle and anonymous voices all around me chanted "you look like shit" at me, over and over and over again until I finally woke up. It was horrible.

So, because of this realization, I am giving myself a fatty intervention. I have made the decision that, after Steel Magnolias, I am taking a break from performing so I can focus on my health and my badly bruised body image. I am committing to replacing rehearsal time with activity time-- either in the gym or out in nature. I am committing to ditching soda. I am committing to investing my time and attention into working on those things about my appearance that I've completely lost pride in (which isn't limited to my weight-- last month, someone told me that my hair, which used to inspire envy, looked like seaweed). I am tired of not feeling great about myself. I'm tired of putting what little energy I have into finding ways to hide myself (since when have I been one to hide??). I am terrified that I will get my wedding photos back and I'll be too distracted and ashamed of my doughy arms and trunk-like torso to be able to display them with pride. I know I've said it in previous posts, but seriously guys- this shit ends NOW. I need to find myself again under all this extra physical and mental weight- it's unbearably oppressive and it's taken its toll on my body and my sense of self-worth. So with all that in mind, I officially announce that my next performance will be the role of "Mary" in the one-woman show Fatty Intervention: The Quest to be a Healthy Bitch!, which will run indefinitely.