Sooooooo apparently all I needed to do to spark conception was write a blog post detailing our yearlong struggle with infertility! It's like I finally wrote it all out and made the fertility testing appointments and showed up to get the procedures done and the Universe was like "Oh shit, I guess this bitch is SERIOUS"* and BOOM- baby Hoffman finally comes into existence!
Before I tell you how we discovered this happy/shocking news, let me briefly fill you in on those September action items that I described in my last post (dated September 2nd... wow, I suck). As you'll recall, I had had an appointment with my lady doctor, who gave us official lab paperwork for a series of fertility tests-- I had to have bloodwork done in late August, then again in early September, and then again in late September, I had an HSG (a "hysterosalpingogram", aka: "the scary procedure" I mentioned last time, which wasn't TERRIBLE, but more extremely nerve-wracking and uncomfortable), and Jeff had official orders to go take care of bidness in a private room at Strong. SO, we moved through September systematically checking all this stuff off of the list, texting each other immediately after each procedure with updates ranging from the hilarious (Jeff's text to me after his procedure was hilarious... trust me) to the pitiful (I texted Jeff that I randomly burst into tears in an ACM blood lab's waiting room while waiting to get blood draw and two elderly Russian woman stared at me for the duration of my momentary meltdown). We got all our test results back in late September (mostly good, one little hiccup that the doctor didn't seem too pessimistic about-- "Will you guys have a baby? Sure, but it's probably going to take you a little longer than the average couple"), right around the exact same time Jeff's brother and sister-in-law announced that they were expecting their first baby. The fire within me, already lit and burning for months, got a hearty dose of lighter fuel.
Now... the part you've been waiting for (or not... do other people really care about these things?). Smash-cut to around 11:30pm on Monday, October 6th. Despite the "sharks" being three days late, I had already taken a test the previous Saturday and it came back negative, so I had convinced myself that either my fertility iPhone app was full of lies or my body was just being a dick again and doing whatever it wanted.* Feeling tired, I rolled off of the couch and announced to Jeff that I was going up to bed. As I was upstairs getting ready for bed, the lure of the pee sticks called to me from their little drawer... "go ahead, Mary... pee on me... I know everything you've read says you should really wait until first thing in the morning, but when have you ever abided by rules... do it... peeeeeeeee on meeeeeee." So I did, thinking it was a waste of a cheapie internet-purchased pregnancy test and three minutes of my time. I went about my business of bedtime prep when Lo! Was that a HINT of a pink line next to the test line? I thought I could vaguely see where a line - if there was a line - was supposed to be (which had never happened before). This called for the big guns-- I pulled out the pink box 2-pack of First Response fancy tests that had been collecting dust in the back of the drawer over several months. Within seconds, a clear pink line next to the test line. THIS WAS NOT A DRILL-- THIS WAS FOR FREAKIN' REAL.
Okay, so you know how in my last post I referenced the calm/cool/collected next step in how these things obviously go down? You take the test, it's positive, and then you serenely announce the news to your husband, completely controlled and triumphantly?
This is my version of that. You know that feeling when your face feels like it's going to simultaneously explode AND melt off of your skull at the same time? My skin got instantly hot and my brain shut down- "what? WHAT?? FOR REAL? Is this-- WHAT??". I panicked. Jeff was downstairs, watching some terrible tv show on Roku (I want to say "Revolution"?) with no idea that it has actually finally worked, and I am upstairs panicking about it having actually finally worked. I grabbed the stick in one hand and bolted to my closet, digging out the package I had ordered from Etsy (a cotton onesie with the words "worth the wait" printed on it, which I broke down and ordered the day I made those fertility appointments in an attempt to tell the Universe that this was gonna happen, dammit). Onesie in one hand, pee stick in the other, I tried to compose myself while walking down the stairs. Jeff was locking up the house for the night and had his back to me when I (in what I am positive was the shaky voice of a lunatic woman, despite my efforts to keep it together and be cool about this)... you know what? This is better in play format:
Mary (hands behind her back): "Hey... uhhh... guess what?"
Jeff: (back still to Mary, locking the front door): "What?"
Mary (blurting out): "Uhhhhhh... PICK A HAND!"
Jeff (turning): "Huh?"
Mary: "JUST PICK A HAND!"
Jeff: "Left one I guess"
Mary reveals pee stick in left hand
Jeff: "What is this?"
Mary stares at Jeff in what she is sure is a triumphant gaze, but probably looks more like a crazed person on the subway
Jeff (looking at the lines on the stick- he has obviously never seen one of these): "What does this even mean? What does it say?"
Mary reveals right hand with onesie and wildly tosses it at Jeff
Jeff (reading onesie): "... huh? really? REALLY?"
<everything dissolves into a weird hazy blur and we both make our way upstairs to go to bed, but not before Jeff paces around the bedroom processing the gravity of what just happened while I sit up in bed willing my face to stop vibrating>
So yeah, we're actually FINALLY having a baby! And because, like said baby, I am a super procrastinator, I am 17 weeks pregnant as I write this post. BOOM. Craziness.
*I have already clearly warned Jeff that my colorful trucker-esque mouth will not diminish with motherhood.
PS- Thanks for finally listening, Universe.
