Planning a Wedding

So I'm getting married. For REAL. To beautiful Jeffrey, this summer, specifically July 7th. Here are some of my thoughts on planning a wedding...

1. Regardless of all the "off-beat", "non-traditional", "hipster wedding", "DIY-chic" trendiness currently out there in the wedding industry, it's all still the same thing-- the wedding people want you to spend all your dollars (and your parents' dollars, and your fiance's dollars) on this one day of your life. You think you're being all funky and fresh and fun by saying "oh yeah? Well we're not going to have the bride & groom cake toppers. And we're not having attendants. And who needs a guestbook?". And so you set out to plan your casual, non-traditional *personalized* wedding. And then the industry finds out and then start inundating you with the same wedding garbage but THIS time it's funky and crafty and it has birds on it and it's red and turquoise because it's not a traditional wedding, it's a *cool* wedding, just like yours is going to be! But it's the same damn stuff. They still want you to shell out hundreds for a dress, for a new slim-cut suit, for the little paper-crafted penant banners to adorn your reception site, for the DIY-ribbon backdrop to go behind the officiant, for the fun and colorful candy display that you simply must have in order to be a fun and hip bride.

2. Vendors jack prices way up the minute you say "bride" or "wedding". You think you just need a bouquet of flowers to hold for 20 minutes? On any ordinary day, that might cost you $30, but on your wedding day a "bridal bouquet" will cost you $120. You just want a cake that can feed 70 people? Most wedding cakes start at around $200 for the most basic of flavors. (my solution?-- I go to the bakery the day before the wedding and buy 4 regular sized cakes for $20 a pop... that way, I get whatever flavors I want, it's not a pain in the ass to cut, and they aren't charging me up the butt for the same amount of cake). You can be the most conservative bride (and believe me, we are doing A LOT of things to save money and to cut out unnecessary spending), and yet you'll STILL end up dropping thousands and thousands.

3. Some of the women that work in bridal shops are real douchebags. Back in January, I called a local bridal shop in Rochester to make an appointment for Saturday, February 2nd. I had done my research online, knew the dresses that they carried that I would be interested in trying on, knew my budget, and picked a date when my mom and Jeff's mom could both go with me (I called 2 weeks ahead to ensure an appointment). What followed was the most irritatingly rude conversation that I have ever had throughout this planning process (thus far)...

Mary: "Hi, I'd like to make an appointment on Saturday, February 2nd to try on bridal gowns, please."

Bridal Douche: "Alright, and when is your wedding date?"

Mary: "Sunday, July 7th"

Bridal Douche: "Of this year?"

Mary: "Yes."

Bridal Douche: "... ummmm.... yeeeeeeeah, that's only 6 months from now. Usually it takes 6-9 months to even get a dress in the store. This is kind of late in the game for your date.... so yeeeeeeah."

Mary: "... so you aren't going to let me have an appointment then?"

Bridal Douche: "Well, I mean by then you'll be 5 months out.... <talking to herself> but then I suppose February 2nd is only two weeks from now, so there's really no point in trying to get you in here any sooner... ugh... do you know what kind of dress you want?"

Mary: "Yes. I've done some research online on the designers you carry in your store. I have specific dresses with their style numbers that I'd like to try on. That's why I'm calling you to make an appointment."

Bridal Douche: "Well... do you think you want a ball gown?"

Mary: "No."

Bridal Douche: "Okay, cause most of the styles we have this season are more of a ballgown silhouette, sooooo...."

Mary: "Yes, I've seen that. But my research indicates that there are other silhouettes in this season's collection at your store."

Bridal Douche: "Okay, we'll schedule you for 2:30pm on the 2nd... I guess that'll have to work"

Mary: "...fabulous."

Bridal Douche: "Okay, when you arrive for your appointment, please bring appropriate undergarments. Oh, and DON'T bring more than 2 people with you. We hate that."

Mary: "Got it."

Bridal Douche: "Okay, we'll see you then!" <click>

SCENE

4. David's Bridal actually has some pretty good dresses. Feeling completely turned-off by the phone conversation with Bridal Douche, I felt the need to make another appointment for February 2nd at a different bridal shop just in case. I had found a really beautiful dress that had gotten great reviews and looked like it flattered a *curvier* figure. The only problem in my mind? It was a David's Bridal dress. I would have to go to David's Bridal. Now, for someone who thinks the wedding industry is full of shit, the very idea of David's Bridal completely grossed me out. The place looks like a pastel-doused warehouse of polyester poof. But the dress was too pretty and I was desperate for a back-up option in case my 2:30pm appointment on the 2nd ended in a bloodbath. So, with much trepidation, I called David's Bridal...
Mary: "Hi, I'd like to make an appointment on February 2nd to try on bridal gowns."
David's Bridal Lady: "Sure! What time do you want to come in?"
Mary: "I have another appointment scheduled for 2:30pm... could we do something earlier than that?"
David's Bridal Lady: "Absolutely- how about 12:30pm? It gets a little crazy here on Saturday mornings, so 12:30pm should be a little calmer."
Mary: "Sounds good"
David's Bridal Lady: "When is your wedding date?"
Mary: "July 7th"
David's Bridal Lady: "Great! You'll be with Lucille*."
Mary: "July 7th isn't too soon? I haven't missed my 6-9 month shopping window?"
David's Bridal Lady: "No, you'll be fine- you've got plenty of time."
Mary: "Do you limit how many people I can bring with me to my appointment?"
David's Bridal Lady: "Bring whoever you want!"
Mary: "Awesome"
David's Bridal Lady: "Alright, you are all set! We'll see you on the 2nd!"

SCENE

*name changed to protect the identity of the poor woman who had to see me in my underwear while I awkwardly stood in the dressing room with my arms in the air as she tried to load white dresses over my head and onto my body.

Dress #3... the runner-up

I felt much better about how this conversation went! On February 2nd, we ventured out to David's Bridal and after trying on 4 dresses, I found "the one" (barf). And no, I didn't have that "burst into tears because you feel like a princess and this is THE ONE, you guys!" moment. I had an "ooh, this is nice and light and comfortable... I like the way the back looks... it does good things for my figure... it doesn't have a bunch of sparkly crap on it... oh wow, the price is awesome" moment. And then I tried Dress #3 back on because that one was the one I had seen in my research that made me want to come into David's Bridal in the first place, and it looked pretty good too. And then I tried Dress #4 on again. And I stood there for 15 minutes not knowing what to do. And then I finally picked Dress #4 because it was, ultimately, more comfortable and more appropriate for the outdoor summery BBQ wedding we would be having. The Lucille* didn't pressure me, she was totally cool, and she didn't make me feel dumb for trying these two dresses on multiple times. The only barfy "ugh" moment I had was when, after I had said out loud "I think this is the dress. Yeah. Let's get this one"... Lucille* came over with a little silver bell and said "Now, here at David's Bridal we have a tradition... when a bride has found *the one*, we have her hold this little silver bell while she stands in her gown, and we have her close her eyes and make a wish for her wedding day, and then ring the bell".... I know... gross. So I humored poor Lucille, mostly out of guilt for the things she saw rolling over my spanx in the dressing room, and I shut my eyes and made a wish for my wedding day (that I wouldn't spill BBQ sauce on my dress) and then I rang that bell. And INSTANTLY, every single person in the store stopped what they were doing, turned around and looked at me with gigantic smiles, and started clapping and "ooh"ing and "ahh"ing and "She said yes to the dress"ing. And so, I (being a complete asshole) totally fake gushed in a very over-exaggerated manner as though I just won a beauty pageant. But it's alright... the dress it pretty damn awesome and I'm actually really excited to wear it on July 7th, so I'll take it.

5. Going to David's Bridal is like inviting the wedding industry vampire to enter your home. As positive as my experience was in finding my wedding dress at David's Bridal (minus the ridiculous bell-ringing pageantry nonsense), they take your information and pimp it out to all sorts of wedding places. So within a week of my visit, I was getting voicemails from Men's Wearhouse (despite having told them that Jeff had already purchased a suit for the wedding), beauty salons, and David's Bridal (looking to sell me bridesmaid's dresses, despite having told them that I didn't have any bridesmaids). All of a sudden, my voicemail and email inboxes were full of "Hey, it's so-and-so calling from fill-in-the-blank! Congrats on your engagement! I'm just calling to let you know that you've been selected as one of our special brides to receive a complimentary pampering session as part of our fill-in-the-blank package! Blah blah blah...". I've since unsubscribed from the various emails, but I'm still getting phone calls offering me all this garbage that I don't need or want, which are just ways to get me back in the loop in order to try to sell me something else that I don't need or want. I wanted a dress, I got a dress. I don't need anything else, so we're done here, thank you. Enough!

6. Do what you want- who cares? When it comes to weddings, there are some real judgmental bitches out there. But who cares? You are never going to please everyone, so the most important thing is that you and your fiance are excited and happy with what's going down. Bonus points if your close family is also happy (which I really think ours are). People may not "get" everything about our wedding:

• Yes, Jeff wound up proposing to me on December 16th... but I also proposed to him (in a very public way) on the same day
• we set the date for 7 months after our engagement (which seemed to shock a lot of people... apparently year+ long engagements are the norm now?) 
• our "bridal shower" (typically an all-female event at a restaurant with lots of proper girly crap) is a co-ed "Mary vs. Jeff"-themed field day, complete with competitive outdoor activities and team bandanas  
• we're having our wedding on a Sunday rather than a Saturday
• we didn't bother with save-the-dates
• we designed a simple 1-piece invitation without all the additional little pieces of paper 
• I tried to custom-design stamps featuring Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze circa Point Break for our invites... but got shot down by Zazzle.com's copyright rules. How awesome would that have been though??
• we've asked guests to RSVP online or by calling the bride, rather than returning a response card 
• we're not having any bridesmaids or groomsmen
• we've asked a completely non-religious friend to officiate the ceremony
• we're not wasting money on favors, but redirecting that money into the food and live band for the enjoyment of all
• we're spending the night before the wedding together... at our apartment (and yes, he will see me on the wedding day before the ceremony... who cares?)
• our cocktail hour features marshmallow fluff, lil' smokies, and chicken fingers
• instead of a tiered white wedding cake, there will be 4 regular ol' cakes... and an ice cream truck

   But that's who we are and what's important to us. And it's going to be a KICK-ASS DAY, so I'm not going to waste time and energy fretting over what we're supposed to do versus what we want to do-- the important people will have fun and think it's awesome no matter what, and frankly that's all that matters to me!